Tuesday, 5 February 2008

NEWS (Not Exactly What is Shown)

Hello people,
I have an announcement to make.

It’s an important thing. Its so important that if I were a celebrity, all newspaper and TV channel people would have camped in front of my home for weeks and would have shot footages of my closed gate, my pet dog widdling against a tree (probably this would have sparked of a panel discussion which included people from PETA and green peace activists discussing why my dog did what it did against the particular tree and what is its meaning and how can it be related to my imminent announcement).
They also would have interviewed the third cousin of the son of my neighbour’s maid to get an exclusive newsbyte. Not to mention the exclusive interview of my watchman's nephew and publish the photo of the donkey of my dhobi.

Cameramen would have climbed the tree in front of my house and using their zoom lens and get a shot of my bedroom through the window half concealed by curtains and claim that its me in the footage that they are showing, but probably it would have been the poster of the orang-utan that I have in my bedroom (don’t ask why I would have a poster of orang-utan of all the things in my bedroom...hey if I am a celebrity I can have anything on my bedroom walls). Another cameraman would have shot my bedroom from an opposite window and informed the viewers that the person on screen is another celebrity friend of mine who has dropped in, whereas that would be just the African voodoo mask that hangs on the wall.
I would probably be called to a chat show hosted by a no nonsense presenter who makes his guest squirm on their seats with his straight forward questions. Without wasting any time and before I can sit in my seat, he would ask me the all important question in an aggressive tone 'Why was my dog widdling against that tree particularly. why?’. And before I could think of a reply he would again query 'don’t you think it’s a discrimination against all the other trees around, the tyres of the vehicles and the fire hydrant outside your gate?’ All that I could say in my defence would be that 'I am sorry, next time I would make sure that my paaltu kutta will give equal consideration to all trees, tyres and hydrants'.

All newspapers, channels and websites would have run SMS opinion polls so that people can express their opinions and exercise their basic fundamental right of poking their noses in a business which is not at all theirs. Also they spend their hard earned money by spending those SMSes which costs anywhere between 2 to 10 Rs there by making the channel, papers websites and mobile phone operators richer. But who cares?. Its important to get their voices heard, opinion matters and shapes the course of a nation (no I am not talking about people voting in elections to choose a government , but voting in public polls to choose the next Hindusthani Putla or whether a actor should shave his/her head for the next movie).
Of course some concerned citizen would have filed a public interest litigation accusing me of showing disrespect to nation and hurting the public feeling by announcing that I will make a important announcement . The media will always be there to provide the in depth analysis of the case and probably will hold a 3 hour prime time discussion.
'New construction sena' activists would have burned my effigy and would have ransacked TV showrooms and other retail outlets again accusing me for all the injustice being caused. Another 'restructuring army' people would then go on a rampage supporting me ,looting the remaining shops, and accusing new construction sena of biasing against me. Again the channels would show all this live with my photo on the side.
All this would then blackball in to a huge controversy that by the time I make my announcement, no body would be interested in what I have to say.
Ok let me stop this digression right now and come to the crux of the matter. So here it goes...
"I am sick up to the gills with all these newspapers, channels and websites fighting over one another to provide trite in the name of news. I am fed up with their sensationalisation of trivial matters and project them as issues of national importance and forgetting their duty as the fourth estate. I feel repelled by the quality of what the media calls as news. If it’s in my hands I would ban all these people from printing, broadcasting till they come to their senses."

Well, how is that for an all important announcement? Don’t you feel enraged, elated with all kind of emotions erupting after reading my announcement?....No!!...nothing at all? .....aah I know why...because I am a nobody...I am not a celebrity......

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