Me v/s Her.....

Regular readers of my blog (I mean all those 5-6 people whom I beg to read whenever I post my latest rant) might have noticed that I am adept (at least I like to think so) in writing about various topics and issues. But they may also have noticed that I rarely dwell upon a particular subject. A subject which you would have thought that any self respecting hot blooded single male should have in his mind at least all his waking hours (for some I know, even during their non-waking hours). Yeah you guessed it, the fairer sex.

There is a strong reason for this. Ever since I acquired logical thinking ability (now, there are mixed opinion about this, with everybody else except me telling that I can’t think at all), I realized that I cannot understand girls and also that I am a wimp.

Let me trace out my encounters with the female kind. As all stories go, it too started long long time ago and in a land far far away called childhood. Naturally being in co-ed school offered opportunities to develop your social skills and I made full use of it when I was in nursery. Couple of girls was my best friends just because their lunch box held interesting things than what my mum used to pack for me.

In primary school, there was a system of seating boys and girls side by side. And my first crush was the one who sat beside me. This was when I was in 2nd standard. Unless we were occupied in writing, we used to sit holding hands. Those were happy times. As any love story worth its salt should have a villain, the boy in the row front of us became ours. He was older, result of flunking twice and remaining in the same class. One day, as we were sitting holding hands oblivious of the whole world, he jumped upon us and exclaimed 'aaieee holding hands!!’. (Of course he had seen lot more Hindi movies than me). We stared at him defiantly and replied 'Yes'(Even we were not lagging far behind in watching Hindi movies). But our defiance was short lived as he threatened to tell our teacher and we realized quite early in life that all that they showed in movies were make believe. And definitely holding hands was not worth risking a thrashing from teacher. Well our immortal love story was short lived as she left the school at the end of the year and I discovered that playing football with a cricket ball and ruining your school shoes was cooler.

Over the course of years, my interactions with girls became less and lesser. Of course there were odd infatuations but nothing that would make me to break in to a song in the middle of the class where teacher is explaining effects of inflation on economy(no,subprime was never taught to us).

By the time I reached college, I realized that girls had become alien to me. Yeah I know you must be thinking 'What kind of a moron is he? college is the time to get on with girls and he is running away from them !!'. Well in my defense I can only say that I was the studious type who thought that talking to girls and going out with them were the past times of jerks. Yeah I am from that era. My parents knew very well that I had no hopes of impressing a girl. But nevertheless there were strict instructions from home which made my college social life as interesting as watching a live chess game on TV. What can I say, I was an obedient boy.

To make matters worse, my friends too were of the same mould. As an example here is one such incident. We were sitting in class waiting for the lecturer to come. Along comes a beautiful girl. She asks the guy who is sitting by the door as to which subject is it in next class. The guy promptly panicked and stammered that it was Sanskrit, whereas we were waiting for our zoology lecturer.

Around same time I developed this world weary cynicism and if Oxford dictionary is to be believed, developed a disposition to disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions" and a tendency "to express this by sneers and sarcasms". Ok heavy words, but sincerely I believe that it was more of a 'Been there, Seen that, But never dare to do it' attitude.

The other important factor was my inability to understand them (but who does?). I found that what they think and what they do is always contradictory. Not all of them, but I can safely say that if put to vote, the contradictions will win a landslide victory just as Obama did.

Another aspect is their sense of humour. Yeah, most of them don’t have one. Once a girl I knew made fun of me and those present had a good laugh. But when I responded in kind, the girl sulked away and those around me gave me looks as if all the insensitivity in the world had been distilled in to me. Oye....double standards!!....that’s not cricket mate. All I can say is I have encountered only a few girls who have a terrific sense of humour and they are the ones who tolerate me.

If you are a girl and you are reading this (why?)and are offended by whatever I have said about your ilk, all I can say is it goes to prove my point. You don’t have a sense of humour.

After college, it was work and as my luck goes, the first project I landed in was a one man army thing where I was all alone. The next one was the one with shifts and as a rule no girls were hired. I had lost all the ability to interact with girls by the time I landed in a project which had some. But as time progressed, I have improved and can confidently say that I can have a conversation with a girl for a few minutes without making a complete fool of myself. I must be grateful for those girls who kept a straight face while hearing me out and laughing their heads off after I was out of their sight.

All was hunky dory until my parents and relatives decided that I have enjoyed the life enough and its time for me to get shackled in matrimony. This has put me in a state of panic. A cousin tried to provide a quantum of solace (I know the latest in movie world too) by saying 'Don’t worry, cause after marriage you wont have to talk to your wife at all. She'll do all the talking and you have to just agree to whatever she says'. Wise words of an experienced man, but I am not convinced.

Just like the career of Anil Kumble (of course I keep up with all the sports news), all good things must come to an end and I would be bidding a tearful farewell to bachelorhood. My misadventures in the quest for a perfect bride of course will make a great read to all of you. So expect more in the coming days..........