Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Query the S/W Pundit redux....

As Mr.Pundit had to beat a hasty retreat due to circumstances not under his control, we had to cut short his gyan in the previous post. But he is back again, fit as the proverbial fiddle and raring to solve all your riddle.

Q: My manager always sends me mail to provide data or statistics ASAP. What is the meaning of ASAP?

A: ASAP usually means that your manager would have got the mail from the concerned deparment 15 days ago.He would have left it in his inbox to vegetate and has forwarded it to you the day after the data was actually needed to be sent. So the next time you get an ASAP mail from your manager do the right thing...trash it.

Q: I have been newly appointed as a project leader. What should I do to make my team like me.

A: You are fighting a losing battle my friend. Have you ever heard of a 'Well liked Project Leader'?. They are like the 'Missing Link' between modern human beings and apes. One day you have a team member who is affable and liked by everybody and the moment he/she becomes a project lead, he/she is hated by everybody. Even after a long research nobody has been able to explain why this occurs. So my suggestion to you is instead of trying in vain to endear yourself to your team and be hated for that, you can as well make their life miserable and be hated.And also have fun while you are at it. Chances are that you will be promoted early.

Q: I am preparing a project plan and have to come up with schedules. What is the best approach?. Should I use MS Project?

A: Well the accepted thumb rule is 'Start coding, when the User asks the application for Acceptance Testing'. So all you have to do is wait till the user calls you and then you go to the development team and tell them that they should have delivered the code for testing a month ago. From there you can use any of the software available to track your project and you have to diligently track all the schedule slippages so that you can come up with all statistics necessary to explain why the project overshot its deadline. Take precautions so that the client doesn't suspect your inefficiency.

Q: What are versions?

A: In order to achieve what your customer requires, you release your application in versions. The first version is usually is just a screen with no functionalities whatsoever.When your customer complains, you tell them that the actual functionality will be added in second version which he will have to install by buying a new license. This ensures that the customer buys a new license every time you come up with a new version.
Hypothetically the 'n'th version of any application is the perfect one with no bugs. But usually the 'n' tends to infinity as no company wants to develop a perfect software, lest the customer is actually satisfied and there is no scope for further income.Windows and its service packs is a case in point.

Q: What should I do to get noticed by my superiors?. Hard work and efficiency should do he trick no?

A: Hard Work and efficiency will result in you being burdened with more work and your superiors will give you the same recognition as Tushaar Kapoor gets in bollywood.The best way to attract the attention of your bosses is to create issues, have arguments, stop working. In general raise hell so that he top brass notices you and then you can ask whatever you want.

That is it for now as Mr.S/W Pundit had to leave the office after a hard day of working.Please keep sending your questions and he will make sure that everyone of them will get answered even if he has to come to office over weekends and claim extra allowances for that.....

No comments: